


Let's Not Lose Our Heads

by Liashi



Category: One Piece
Genre: Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Execution, Gen, Luffy Is a Little Shit, Pre-Thriller Bark, Usopp (One Piece) is constant nerves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-02
Updated: 2010-07-02
Packaged: 2019-08-07 07:00:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16403555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liashi/pseuds/Liashi
Summary: The Straw Hats get executed, starting with Luffy. Usopp, digging his own grave, haha, narrates the ordeal. Oneshot. This is a comedy. No, really!





	Let's Not Lose Our Heads

**Author's Note:**

> Crossposted from FF.Net. Set some time after Thriller Bark but before Sabaody, otherwise Luffy might be terribly out of character here, or at least, I wouldn't be sure what he'd do. No specifics and no spoilers though, unless you consider the existence of Franky and Brook as characters a spoiler. Also, I scratched some of the normal bounds I set on the use of italics, and even certain punctuation. Usopp sure does a lot a yelling, you know. (I can't imagine why, but he doesn't seem too keen on this whole thing...) 
> 
> Just remember, it's all in good fun...

Usopp can't believe that the journey is going to end like this. Tricked and captured on some strange island, about to be executed for a bunch of crimes he lied about committing—the irony is cruel, really.

Of course, nothing about the crimes they're all about to be executed for is all that reasonable. Luffy's to be executed for eating the king's stew, Zoro for carrying more than two swords, Sanji for having strange facial hair, Robin for reading and walking at the same time, Nami for trying to haggle a lower price, Franky for not wearing pants, Brook for lack of eyeballs, and Chopper for sneezing on someone.

And of course, some of these things  _are_  crimes against nature, but arresting them and executing them all for them is a bit extreme. Surely, or his name isn't "The Wise and Fair Judge Usopp."

At least, Usopp supposes, he's going to be executed for something  _sort of_ reasonable—namely, that he defeated one hundred powerful warriors in deadly battle, with his bare hands—even if he has insisted on numerous occasions since arrest that he was  _completely_  making it all up.

Usopp wouldn't be ready to believe that these cages are really unbreakable, as the natives claim, if Sanji, Zoro, Franky, Nami, Brook and himself hadn't been trying their darndest to get out of them and failing repeatedly for the last several hours. Their Devil's Fruit using companions are of course, shackled with seastone (except for Brook, who apparently isn't perceived as one) and are of no help in such endeavors.

Sanji's given up already and has sat down to smoke his way through the rest of his cigarettes before the end, a calm but slightly haggard air about him. Franky's taken to yelling at anyone in the vicinity how  _un_ -cool and  _not_ -super this whole situation is and how they're going to regret trying this when he's having a bad week. Zoro's the only one still attempting to get out, but even he seems rather pessimistic about the whole situation. Brook is playing his violin—with his feet. He had earlier announced something about entertaining them all as they went to their doom by "engaging in hilarious musical hijinks!"

"Will you shut  _up_?" Zoro yells over at Franky. "I can't concentrate on my slices with your constant griping."

"You expect me _to be calm about this?_ " Franky's pitch is even higher and his voice even raspier than usual.

Brook's violin screeches and the skeleton hums to himself, then loudly apologizes and starts his song over.

"Both of you can it, I'm tryin' to have a smoke here," Sanji grumbles, shooting annoyed looks at Franky and Zoro.

Usopp glances over through the bars of his cage at Luffy. "Hey, you sure you can't just shimmy through or something?" He's asked this before, but he can't help asking again.

"I told you," Luffy whines, sounding breathless. He's lying like a wet noodle on the floor of his cage, weakened by the seastone cuffs. It may be the most thoroughly pathetic Usopp's ever seen the rubberman. "It's too tight."

"Yohoho! If even I cannot do it, then should it be possible for our captain, chained in seastone as he is?" chuckles Brook from somewhere down the row. He sounds  _way_  too pleased about that.

Their cages are all lined up single file. Usopp has trouble seeing anyone more than two cages away—although he can hear them perfectly fine if they're loud enough. The pirates are going to be the first ones executed this day, "as a courtesy to their status as guests," and Luffy is the first in line, followed by Usopp, then Zoro, Sanji, Brook—after that he's a little unsure, but he thinks—Chopper, Franky, Robin and Nami.

Usopp's knees begin knocking as the natives begin to gather. He gulps as a large, heavy,  _sharp_  ax is demonstrated on a watermelon and the assembled crowd cheers. He's gripping at his own neck before he even knows it.

"Uhhhnn," Luffy groans, wiggling, still on the floor, his eyes half-lidded. "I want out of here. And  _food_."

On the execution platform, the watermelon-juicing, mango-smashing power of a club with a coconut lashed to the end is demonstrated next. Usopp's hands move from his neck to his skull and he whimpers. "I'd rather stay in this cage the rest of my life if it's between the cage and the ax or the coconut," he mutters to himself.

The crowd cheers more.

After a brief speech from the master of ceremonies about the fairness and purity of their judicial system— _ha!_  not even Luffy looks like he's buying it for a second!—two guards come and drag their limp captain from his cage. Being hungry and in seastone cuffs, he's only putting up a minor fight, at best, no more than a seven year old would be able to. The guards might as well be dragging a wet blanket along. Usopp bangs his head against the bars, groaning, wishing they had never set foot on this place. He can hear Zoro resume his struggles to get out tenfold. The swordsman is cursing more foully with every failed attempt.

The crowd is booing as the guards, dragging Luffy, ascend the execution platform. They bring Luffy to his feet once at the top, and the master of ceremonies, after donning a pair of glasses and adjusting them by the left lens, opens a scroll.

"Monkey D. Luffy of the Straw Hat Pirates," the master of ceremonies booms, "You have been found guilty of eating the king's stew. The punishment is execution by ax. Do you have any final words regarding your atrocious crime?"

"I was just  _hungry_ ," Luffy moans, head flopping down to his chest for a moment before coming back up.

The master of ceremonies lifts an eyebrow at this but otherwise maintains his stony façade. "Any final requests, treasonous cur?"

There is an  _ooh_  of scandalized amusement and a smattering of applause from the crowd.

Luffy stares, hunched over. "Nya, can't you just let me go?"

The master of ceremonies closes the scroll and fixes Luffy with a stern look, then shakes his head and sighs. The crowd begins to boo. Someone fairly close to the cages yells out: "Oh, come on!"

The master of ceremonies pauses for a moment, then, with another sigh, says, "According to our laws, the last request must be granted. Very well. Release the prisoner."

Usopp's jaw drops and hit the floor with a loud smack as the guards take the seastone handcuffs off Luffy and step back. Luffy, now looking much more energetic, grins widely, straightens, flexes one arm, and glances around in blinking puzzlement at the guards and the master of ceremonies. Apparently sensing no ill-will from the guards and the rest of the natives, ( _Hellooooo, what about the dire state of the rest of your crew here, you useless hunk of rubber!_ Usopp is shrieking mentally with every second wasted), Luffy shrugs and then grins, chuckling. He throws a hug around the master of ceremonies, who has the humanity to look properly startled. "Thanks, old man!" Luffy turns to the audience and punches his fists up into the air, screaming out to the sky, "I'm free!" Then, hand over hat, he jumps down from the platform and into the crowd, randomly high-fiving people. Cheering.  _Cheering!_

The audience as a whole begins to look amused at these antics, and a small titter of applause goes up.

"Oi, Luffy! Luffy!" Usopp cries, waiving his arms out the cage bars after their captain, who is rapidly vanishing into the throng of people. "What about us? Luffy!  _Get back here!_ "

He's cut off by the guard jabbing him firmly with the blunt end of a spear. "Quiet until spoken too, prisoner."

With that, he settles for crying a quiet waterfall of frustrated tears at Luffy's abandonment of his crew for—well, food, probably.  _How could this be? How could he abandon them all like this, in their hour of—_

_Wait._   _Wait just a minute!_ Surely, if requests  _must_  be granted, and Luffy could request being let go—

It's brilliant! He's brilliant! Luffy, amazingly, must have figured it out already. Ask to be let go when you get your last request! It's as simple as that! No need for messy rescues, no risky taking of chances! With this thought, Usopp marches up to the top of the platform nose held high. He smirks as the master of ceremonies gives nearly the same speech, and, as he hears, "Do you have any final words regarding your atrocious crime?" takes a deep breath.

"Final words, you say?" he says and then laughs, adding as much chilling, self-satisfied pride as he can manage. "Oh, I do." He thrusts a finger into the air. "I regret none of it! Not a single one…" he leans low, catching as many gazes as he possibly can with the now-crazed gleam in his own. "There they were, a thousand warriors strong, and me, with no chance, no weapon … they didn't want to fight, oh no, but I had promised myself when I had stepped out of my house that day, burning it to the ground behind me for no reason other than  _I could_ , that deadly battle would be my destiny! But not my death—theirs! Because—" he straightens, puffing out his chest and lifting both arms, drawing all eyes up with him, "I am the Great Captain Usopp—known throughout the Grand Line as the Harbinger of Horror, the Dynast of Destruction, the Monster of Mayhem—unstoppable, unshakable, merciless! You'll never take me alive!  _I eat your children for breakfast!_ "

Well, that last one may be pushing it a bit, but it does have the desired effect. A shocked gasp ripples through the crowd, and some mothers pull their children closer. A few babies start crying.

_Okay, yeah,_ Usopp decides, frowning, _definitely a bit overboard with that last one … note to self: no threats to children._

The master of ceremonies is wide-eyed, stumbling backward in horror, clutching the scroll to his chest with one hand and pointing with the other. "You sick, depraved man! You are a blotch on this good world!"

Then, all at once, he jumps right up next to Usopp, leaning in and whispering conspiratorially, "By the way … did you say 'one thousand warriors' just now? I only had you down for a hundred…"

Usopp blinks, and then whispers back, "Uh … I lied, earlier."

"Oh." The man adds a zero to the  _100_  already scrawled there. "Very well then." Retuning to his place, he again points dramatically. "Blotch! For this crime you deserve death by coconut club! Speak your last request!"

Usopp isn't certain he wants to respond after being addressed as "Blotch!" but decides simply to roll with it.

"Let me go!"

The master of ceremonies slaps a hand to his forehead. The crowd's fascination is replaced with disgust, booing, and general verbal abuse.

"Lame!"

"You're only the second person!"

"What are you, deaf?"

The master of ceremonies, after the forehead-slap, has a very annoyed expression on his face. "Didn't  _anyone_  tell these pirates the rules before we got started?" he demands of the nearest guard, who shrugs helplessly.

Usopp's stomach sinks to the platform floor, and he manages a weak, "…rules?"

"Yes, the  _rules_ ," the master of ceremonies huffs. "Very important. You can't make the same request as someone else twice in one day. That's just boring."

Usopp isn't certain how to respond to this except with an "…oh."

The master of ceremonies shakes his head, scribbles more in the scroll, then readjusts his glasses before nodding to the guards. "All right, continue with the execution."

The crowd roars. Usopp roars too, although some might mistakenly term it as "letting out a terrified screech."

"No, wait!" He struggles as the guards grab him by the arms and drag him forward to the stand they were previously cutting and smashing watermelons on. "What I meant was, don't execute me!"

The master of ceremonies shakes his head. "I'm sorry. You only get one chance to make a request. Those are the rules."

" _What!_ "

Usopp digs his heels in and puts up a gallant (read: desperate) fight, but the guards prove to be tougher and stronger, and he ends up on his knees despite managing to give one of them a bloody nose with all his flailing. "I was kidding! I never killed anybody! In fact, I've never even killed a fly! I am a completely nonviolent person!"

His eyes go wide as the executioner, clothed fully in black except for a slit at his eyes, strides forward with the club in hand.

"Ah! I can feel an attack of—" he starts choking and gagging "—of I-can't-die-like-this-disease! Somebody call a doctor—"

He's speaking faster as he feels his imminent doom approaching, barely aware of the rest of the crew in the background—of Sanji rising to his feet and gripping the bars of his cage until his knuckles are white, of Zoro continuing to attempt escape, of Nami covering her mouth with horror, of Franky giving the nearest guard a tongue-lashing laced with blue, of Brook waiting tensely, unreadable, with bowstring to instrument, of Chopper screaming out his name, or even of Robin watching in cool silence (there's an undercurrent of anger though, he's known Robin long enough to tell)—

"Hey, what are you doing with that? Look, there's no need—oi, oi, let's talk about this, c'mon—" he's still fighting hard against the guards, but not getting anywhere, his breaths harsher and quicker by the second. His nose is starting to run and the frustrated tears have turned into a panicked river. "—hey, don't lift that thing so high—you could hurt somebody if you drop—"

The sun glows out from behind the silhouette of the club, and then turns to a blinding glare when the club begins its rapid descent.

He screams—long.  _Loud._

The next moment, already dropped by the guards, he's clutching in horror at his head. Oh! The pain, pain consuming everything! The blood, the blood, oozing between his fingers, running down his face, turning the world red! How could this happen to him, the Great Captain Usopp? How could he lay here in his death throes on some horrible, hostile island—

No—

No, wait.

No pain, actually. Nor blood …

He stares at his hands, confounded, then feels at his head again. Everything's solid, and there's definitely no blood, and what…? Just sweat, tears, and … snot?

But … how…?

He looks at the executioner, at a loss.

To his astonishment, the man gives him a thumbs-up, then doubles over, clutching his sides. The dropped club clatters to the stage. Usopp's jaw drops at the sound coming, quite clear, to his ears. The man, he's—he's  _laughing_?

But it's not only the executioner. It's the guards around Usopp, it's the master of ceremonies…

He whips his gaze back to the front as a roar rises from the crowd. Some of the people are cheering and clapping their hands above their heads. Others are on the ground, laughing so hard they're crying.

He keeps looking around, from those on the platform to those off of it, unable to believe his eyes. If this is dead, it looks and feels an awful lot like being alive! He's not floating above his body, there's no light at the end of a dark tunnel, heck, he even doesn't feel a single flame of hellfire licking at him, either.

And everyone's laughing at him!

_What gives!_

"Oi, oi, oi!" he cries, jumping to his feet, at once incensed and, oddly enough, embarrassed. "What kind of lame excuse for an execution is this?" He feels his head a bit more, just to be sure, then throws his hands in the air, exasperated. "I—I'm not even bleeding! Is this some kind of joke?" he screeches.

The executioner keeps laughing—if anything, the man's laughing more.

Trembling all over, Usopp stabs a finger in the executioner's direction. Usopp can't tell whether he's angry or plain freaked, but it feels like all the blood is rushing to his head and he can't even see straight. "You call yourself a  _professional_? What kind of executioner  _misses_?"

The laughter from the executioner cuts off. The man regains his levity and his club, and towers over Usopp, throwing a sinister shadow. " _Intentionally_ ," executioner growls, eyes narrowed. "You got a problem with that, bub? I can do it again and  _not_."

All of Usopp's blood goes rushing back down towards his feet.

The audience roars louder.

"N-n-n-n-no! No—no prob-b-blem at all!" Usopp waves his hands in placation. "Great! Perfect! Wonderful! I've never been executed so brilliantly in my life!"

The executioner grumbles and rolls his eyes, and shoves Usopp towards the stairs heading down off the platform and into the audience. Now beyond "confused" and moving into "stunned," Usopp stumbles on the way to them.

Being uncoordinated enough to tumble down the stairs is a little painful, and he sways getting back to his feet. He has no idea where he's going now, except that he doesn't want to be anywhere near the execution platform anymore. In fact, he wants off this crazy island entirely. Everyone is smiling at him as he makes his way into the crowd—some people whack him good-naturedly on the back, nearly knocking him over; others settle for applauding him; still others hand him small bags filled with something heavy—

_Eh?_

He stops in his tracks and blinks down at the several small bags he's managed to collect in between banging his way down the stairs and now. Curious, he pulls one open a little at the neck with a finger.

His eyes widen at the golden glimmer, and he pulls the bag strings shut as tight as he can, hoping Nami didn't just see that.

"Oi, Usopp, over here!"

_Luffy … Luffy, that's Luffy why I'm gonna givethatidiotapieceofmymind—_

"Yo, Usopp! Want some popcor—"

_Whunk._

There is a certain sound associated with slamming a fist down on Luffy's head which soothes Usopp's frayed nerves immensely. Kicking their delinquent captain in the shins and stealing the whole bag of proffered popcorn, then eating a few large handfuls of it, also has a calming effect.

Luffy is nursing his injured head and legs only a few moments before he's whining about the loss of his food and grabbing the bag back. By this time, however, there's not much remaining in the bottom. Luffy purses his lips and gives Usopp a hurt look, but Usopp returns that with a glare. "That's what you get for leaving us all to  _die_!"

That said, he clocks Luffy on the head one more time for good measure (it's still good for his blood pressure, too.)

"Heeey," Luffy says, rubbing at the lump on his head with one hand and frowning, "You guys all knew they weren't gonna kill you, right? A moustache-man told me last night. It's a fake execution, for fun! They have one here every month." Their captain breaks out into a grin. "You were great, Usopp! You made it look like you really believed they were gonna do it!"

_Fake … execution … every … month?_

Usopp's left eyebrow spontaneously develops a tic.

" _I nearly died of a heart attack five times up there!_ " he screams, nearly bowling Luffy over—but the rubberman stays the course, even managing to keep his hat on his head.

Luffy blinks a little, giving Usopp a blank look.

"Roronoa Zoro of the Straw Hat Pirates…" the ever-familiar voice of the master of ceremonies booms out, drawing Usopp's attention.

… Is that a little girl in a pink dress holding the rope tied to the swordsman's neck?

Oh, he doesn't look happy about this, and with one hand just waiting on the katana he's still in possession of … if it weren't for the little girl he'd probably already have sliced some people open …

"Go, Zoro!" Luffy calls, laughing and pumping a fist in the air. "Show these guys how a swordsman gets executed!"

Zoro seems well able to zero in on their position now, shooting them an intense look that sends a chill up Usopp's spine. Nervously, Usopp grins and waves. Zoro's look cools quickly enough, and he seems to relax.

After a few more moments of watching Luffy cheer on his "execution," and yell about "how awesome he's gonna be," Zoro rolls his eyes, shrugs, and drops his hand from his katana.

The look in his eyes is a clear "the things I put up with…"

Usopp, looking over at Luffy jumping up and down and sparkling with excitement, apparently all pumped to see Zoro get "executed," sighs to himself.  _The things they put up with, indeed._

* * *

Usopp only feels completely relaxed, however, once they are all safely back on the ship and sailing far, far away. Luffy, the only one of them who did not want to leave, pouts at the railing for about fifteen minutes after they set off, looking back at the island he seemed to think was "so much fun." Apparently, he'd thought they should all stay until next month and do it all over again.

Whatever. Luffy's a nut job, they all knew that one already.

Usopp supposes that it wasn't a total waste of an island. He's gotten a nice collection of souvenir "moment of execution" photos, and a bunch more invention supplies on the side. The best solution to having money is spending it before Nami figures out you've got any, he figures.

Usopp posts the "moment of execution" photos up in the boy's cabin, under their wanted posters—just one more curiosity of their travels. There's three of Sanji, since he requested they execute  _him_  instead of Nami and Robin. Luffy's isn't so much a picture of him getting executed as much as it is him standing and cheering. The rest of them are all pretty standard, however, as far as execution photos go. It's a bit of a disappointment to have the collection so lopsided, but, what is Usopp supposed to do about Sanji's masochistic tendencies and Luffy's idiocy?

Rubbing his chin in thought, he looks at his own photo. Sure, you can barely see his face under all the tears and snot, but you can still see a certain courageous air, a certain laughter in the face of death itself—he'd go back there to get executed anytime, no problem! They can't keep down the Great Captain Usopp! He only wishes that Luffy had told them what was happening, so he could have avoided a bit of stress. Sheesh, not even Zoro had known!

Fake execution? No problem, he can handle it. If, however, it had turned out that those islanders really had been trying to kill them, now  _that_  would have been scary. After all, they were rather effective as far as organized groups went. They had tricked every last one of the crew into getting into those cages smoothly enough, and then they even had all the seastone they needed on hand to restrain the Devil Fruit users …

And Zoro hadn't been able to cut the bars of the cage, what was up with  _that_? It was like, if it hadn't all been one big joke, Usopp and a whole bunch of the crew might have ended up dead! And just think—if those people had decided they wanted bounties instead of entertainment … or, just felt like killing them all …

Haltingly, he looks at the photos again, his mind beginning to complete possible worst-case scenarios, second-worst-case scenarios, and all the other scenarios, too.

A minute later, he's ripped all the photos down and stuffed them in the back of Luffy's small, underused underwear drawer—Luffy almost never looks in it, and neither does anyone else. Usopp shuts it with a bang and sighs. Turning away while brushing his hands off on each other, he grins with relief and decides quite firmly that, you know … sometimes the small, unimportant details of these kinds of incidents are better off not thought about too much.

He's had enough of executions to last him a lifetime.

—End


End file.
